Bar Tales
by Sokka's Fan-Lawyer
Summary: After a mission, Harry and Ramirez get drunk at McAnally's and swap stories, only to meet up with a certain White Court Vampire and an ego war ensues. takes place right after White Night. Birthday fic for Saffygrl. Rated T for suggestive dialouge.


Hey, Sokka's Fan-Lawyer here! This is my first Dresden Files fic, so please forgive me if the characters seem OOC.

birthday fic for Saffygrl. Happy birthday and Good luck with college!

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

"What did you do then?" Carlos Ramirez slurred, his interest peaked.

"Then I slid my hand down, just enough so that she wouldn't notice and…." Harry smirked, a cold bear close to his lips. The two Wardens were sitting at the bar in MacAnally's pub, the usual evening crowd's chatter filling the air. It was around nine...at least, it had been when Carlos last checked the clock; after what he had been drinking, it was no surprise that he couldn't tell what the clock read, much less care. They had only been there for a few hours; after a rather difficult assignment, was it illegal for a Warden to help himself to the best beer in town? No, he and Harry had told themselves, it was not. At least not until one of them needed a ride home, but they were beyond worrying about that now. After the first few rounds, the two had begun swapping stories; however, it appeared that Harry was leaving an eagerly waiting Ramirez in suspense. After a few seconds, Ramirez glared his half open eyes at the drinking Dresden.

"'And'….?"

"I'll get to it, I'll get to it…." Harry assured him, then gestured to the ever silent Mac for a refill. "Thanks Mac." He took a swift sip. "Anyway, then I gripped my .44 and shot her before she could finishing saying 'you son of a-'"

"So…you took her by surprise and cheap tactics?" Ramirez looked disappointed. "I thought you were cooler than that."

"Whatever man. Point is I'm still here and she isn't; who cares how it happened?" He took another sip. Ramirez stirred his drink with his finger as he slumped over.

"Now, had I been there, things would have been different. For one thing, she wouldn't have been on top and… " Harry merely rolled his eyes.

"…and you would not be a virgin." Ramirez glared up at his friend, who had innocently gone back to his drink.

"…Shut up; the ladies just don't know what they're missing." The Warden looked into his glass, sulking.

"Yeah, heard it all before. I guess size really does matter, eh Ramirez?"

"Now, now, that's a low blow, even for a gentleman of your stature." A newcomer commented. Both Harry and Ramirez glanced up.

"Ah, Thomas!" Harry greeted. "Where you been?"

Thomas smirked in greeting. "Hey Harry and…" he glanced over at Ramirez. "…Virgil? Virgin? I can't seem to remember your name." Carlos glared over at Harry who shrugged.

"No hiding those sorts of things from a White Court vampire Ramirez; you know that."

"Carlos Ramirez." Ramirez curtly corrected. Thomas merely shrugged innocently.

"Ah, right. Now I remember." He leaned on Ramirez's shoulder. "Seriously, I know a few people; we can make it happen…."

"No thanks; a man of my capabilities doesn't need 'help' from anyone, vampire." Ramirez firmly gestured for a refill. Mac merely glanced at him and began to prepare another drink.

"Certainly seems that way." Thomas dryly remarked as he plopped into the open stool next to Carlos. Harry merely pondered whether the bar would survive the inevitable clashing of egos, and quickly took another sip; if there was a forced evacuation, he wanted to be as drunk as possible before it happened. Ramirez glared at the White Court vampire, trying to ignore the fact that every woman in the place was glancing in Thomas' direction.

"What's it to you anyway?" A look of understanding crossed Thomas' face.

"Oh…so that's the problem." Ramirez looked shocked.

"What?" Thomas just continued, undeterred.

"I didn't know…still, it's nothing to worry about. I'm sure that there are spells that can fix dysfunction…"

"Harry!" Ramirez looked over at his friend, who was watching, amusement clear on his face. He was certainly unsurprised by the direction this had taken; after all, there had been no way Ramirez had a chance in the war of egos. Thomas simply had too much experience, patience, and idiocy for Ramirez to stand a chance. Sighing, Harry decided to intervene.

"Drop it, Thomas. Seriously, you never got around to telling me where you've been for the past few weeks." Thomas looked disappointed, but conceded to Harry's intervention.

"Oh, you know, around…"

"Had work?" Harry innocently asked. Ramirez looked surprised. He glanced at Thomas, whose face had shifted into a neutral expression.

""You work?" Thomas nodded in confirmation, as he narrowed his eyes over at Harry; Ramirez noted the subtle discomfort and seized it. "Where? Doing what?"

"I work…" He paused and looked at Harry, who merely shrugged.

"Hey, you don't tell him, I will." A look of betrayal crossed Thomas' face, then he sort of slumped with embarrassment.

"I work…with hair…" Ramirez slowly began to smirk as realization dawned. When Thomas didn't continue, he peered expectantly at the vampire.

"And where do you 'work with hair', exactly?"

"At…a…hair…salon…" The White Court vampire slowly whispered between clenched teeth. Ramirez burst out laughing. The people around them looked at the Warden with annoyance. Harry merely watched as Ramirez began to even the odds in the ongoing ego conflict; he gained a little ground.

"A hair salon? Serious? A vampire working with hair…" He chuckled while Thomas actually flushed.

"Shut up! How is that worse than being a virgin? A few centuries ago, your kind were sacrificed to guys like me."

"Oh, trust me, it's a lot worse. Do you do 'mani-peties' as well, or do you leave that to the _guys_ who work there?" Harry winced as the verbal blow landed; Ramirez was recovering rather well, he had to admit. Thomas' mouth was hanging with rage.

"What did you-" he began, only to be cut off by Ramirez.

"Okay, I get it; you're obviously a guy. Tell me though, do they actually let men work with hair in that place? Cause it seems to me that unless you're…" His eyes widened as his mouth twitched. "They think you're…?"

"They think he's a gay European stylist." Harry supplied. Ramirez laughed while Thomas glared at his brother, silently promising future retribution.

"Harry…" Thomas dangerously began. Harry merely looked at him innocently, then swallowed the rest of his beer and got to his feet.

"See you, Mac." The Wizard quickly took his leave, leaving a now ally less Ramirez alone with Thomas. Ramirez finally stopped laughing and realized that someone was missing.

"Dresden…?" He glanced quizzing at the now empty chair beside him, then at the slowly rising White Court vampire. "Fine; I don't need him anyway. Bring it!"

Ramirez would not remember what followed for quite some time; however, he did learn one lesson: never make fun of a gay vampire.


End file.
